Overpowering the Boogeyman
I hereby proclaim my love for Dr. Gloria Larrieu! During the Summer of 2016, I attended the Santa Fe Writer's Conference. She suggested I attend. At the time, I had no idea it even existed. One of the things I love about life. The unknown can actually be something quite wonderful. The Universe lined it up for “Dr. Glo,” and I to meet at the 29th Street Mall bus stop in Boulder. We were on our way to The Conference of World Affairs. I was recovering from the pain of my dream being crushed, on a listening tour and determining my next move. My dream was to transform education as a classroom teacher. My dream still, is to ensure quality education for all. Dr. Glo, a phenomenal educator and writer, admired my turquoise notebook and a friendship blossomed.
Enjoying lunch with Dr. Glo and taking a break from "a week-long extravaganza of discussion and debate, at The Conference of World Affairs. A girl's gotta eat!
That was in April and in July, I found myself at the Santa Fe Writer’s Conference. I was in Jamie Poissant’s Flash Fiction Workshop with some truly amazing writers. Flash fiction was completely new to me. It called to me, so I researched it. I found out that flash fiction contains the same level of emotion one would find in a novel but in less than 1,000 words. Flash fiction can be based on the truth. Ernest Hemingway is the God of Flash Fiction. Well, according to the article I read.
There was only one story I could tell. Overpowering the Boogeyman was about a little girl who was sexually abused. Her name was Ella. As Jamie began to read, he read “Tina” in the place of “Ella,” stopped and said, “Sorry, I keep wanting to say Tina instead of Ella.” Before I could even feel the words forming in my mouth, they spilled out, “Ella is Tina. This is my story.” My Granny was a tall and loving single mother who married a monster called Harley Beardmore. He sexually abused me when I was five years old until roughly the age of ten. If you believe in karma as I do, he is searing eternal in a hell of his own making.
I wasn’t raped like Dr. Maya Angelou, Louise Hay or Junot Diaz. Yet, I imagine if we were all enjoying lavender lemonade on my front porch, we would find connection within the terror, confusion, fear and shame. As a child, I could never articulate what was happening to me. How can you articulate what you cannot begin to understand? I could only say, “I am afraid of the boogeyman.” Jamie continued to read, and everyone held space for me. I felt my body began to breathe and was lifted by the love and support in the room. I was groomed to believe I would burst into flames and people would die if I ever told. The lie began to unravel.
Kick-ass flash fiction workshop with Jamie Poissant and a family of writers I will always adore -- at Santa Fe Writer's Conference 2016.
On that day of awakening, I felt like a writer and began to gently flex a muscle new to me. I wrote the suggestions everyone shared furiously in my notebook. The whole time thinking, “Holy Shit! I’m not bursting into flames. I actually feel good! Released. The boulder that was sitting on my chest is gone.” It was at that time Jamie said, “Sometimes, people who suffer childhood sexual abuse commit suicide, become homeless, addicted to drugs or are in prison. As I listened, I recalled a black woman, experiencing homelessness, hitting herself in the head over and over again.
At the time, I was Executive Director of Hunger Busters in Dallas. She lived under the I-45 bridge and took up the entire foreground. With an aching heart, I looked at her and thought, “What brought you here? Did you go through what I did?" All I could think to do, in the heat of the day, was to give her a cookie and a hug. She took the cookie and refused the hug. I would later discover from Hassan Latif, the Executive Director of Second Chance Center, that many women in the for-profit prison system were sexually abused as children. So much confusion, anger, rage, unharnessed. I remember it well.
Jamie then asked, “How is this woman sitting before us, not only as a survivor, but also thriving? That’s the story. It could be more than a story. It could be a book.” I needed tea. During our break, I made a cup of Constant Comment by Bigelow. There is something about the orange aroma and spices that have always helped me feel safe. Standing beside me, was the lovely Ana June who said, “Please consider writing this as non-fiction, maybe as a book.” After thanking her for her encouragement, I said I would need to share my story with my parents first.
Tina Lehman, the writer, emerges from 705 Paseo de Peralta, ready to rock the day at the Santa Fe Writer's Conference. Nina Simone singing "Feeling Good" in my head.
That afternoon, I took my new found freedom to Rooftop Pizzeria on the Plaza. I sat with this lighter version of me, ordered a mushroom pizza and a glass of iOTA rosé. I knocked back the first glass, ordered the second and lifted my glass in the name of myself and Paul Sheldon. He was the author in the novel
"Misery," by Stephen King and played by James Caan in the movie of the same name. Paul would celebrate the completion of his novels with a bottle of Dom Perignon. From this day forward, I would claim celebrating small victories in writing with rosé. As I sat with my thoughts, the waiter said, "You look like someone who learned something special today!" I said, "Thank you sir! Indeed I did! Today, I learned I am a writer." I kept thinking I should be afraid of what I had just done but instead felt free. I looked up at the mountainous white clouds in the blue Santa Fe sky and just allowed it all to hold me.
At the Santa Fe Writer's Conference, meeting Sandra Cisneros, Pioneering Author, Bodhisattva for this emerging writer and brilliant light in our world.
Sandra Cisneros was the glorious keynote speaker at the Santa Fe Writer's Conference. I attended her round table, sat front and center, and was mesmerized by her expansive heart and voice. It felt like she was speaking directly to me. She said, "As writers, we need to clear out the moldy Tupperware from our refrigerators. Through writing from our own pain, we can become a “voice for the voiceless.” Suddenly, I knew my “why.” I knew why I had given up the teaching position with a new STEAM school I had been working with. I sat in prayer and meditation for days, while my mind, heart and soul were in the middle of a dust up – “to go to the conference or to go to the mandatory training with the new STEAM school? Sandra looked me square in the eyes (she has the eyes of an angel by the way) when she spoke the words “voice for the voiceless,” and I began to cry. I was hit so hard with my “why,” tears fell. I was right where I was supposed to be. The school never opened.
A fellow writer mentioned that a writing instructor at The University of New Mexico said, “Writers write the story that has been thrashing around inside them.” This story had been thrashing around inside me for decades. I released the secret to a trusted adult, when I was 13, during my angry Joan Jett years. Many children never reveal the secret. When they do, there is only one right response: 1. Listen 2. Believe 3. Get help through a therapist and/or support group. Love them. Tell them they did NOTHING to deserve this -- they did NOTHING wrong. No man is worth the value and potential of a child and who gives a flying flip-flop what the neighbors think. I say this for anyone who needs to hear this now. Tell them the shame is not for them to hold. The shame is entirely on the predator. I wasn't told that and pushed the secret down as far as it would go, until one day it felt like it was choking me. I would hold onto the secret until I was 36.
Roy H. Williams, statesman, humanitarian, civil rights advocate, warrior for justice, servant, dear friend, mentor, champion of the people, warrior for justice and Lion of the Dallas City Council. The lion's roar is never silenced and carries on through lives touched.
My dear friend and mentor Roy Williams and I met on a bus traveling from Dallas to Washington, D.C. We were on our way to the 2003 Peace Rally just prior to the Iraq War. I felt anything but peace. Only rage. What kind of monster does this to a child? Where the f@#k was everyone? Why does something this despicable happen? Why did it happen to me? I was ready to explode. So, I marched through the streets of D.C., in the name of justice, with thousands of people shouting, “1-2-3-4 we don’t want your f@#king war!” My fist thrust into the air. Patriots. Protesting. I felt my power. I felt my voice. I cried as Jessica Lange spoke, moved by the power in her voice.
Our culture teaches us to fear the black man. Roy Herdine Williams. I’ve never felt such peace within a friendship, a friendship that set the bar for all friendships. Back in Dallas, we sat over a lunch of roast chicken, salmon salad and tomato basil soup at the SMU La Madeline. Roy would hold court there. Roy’s hugs held the kind of peace found in the way Christmas should be. The secret bubbled out like an unattended soup on the stove. I told him I needed to be free of it. He held space filled with love and listened. He listened and listened and listened. As he listened, I felt with every word -- he believed. A conversation wrapped in healing unfolded and ended with him saying, “This happens far too often Miss Tina. Part of your own healing will be in the healing of others.” Roy knew I would be writing this book before I did.
Gathering at Ascension Coffee House in Dallas, Texas, shortly after Roy experienced a heart attack and stroke. I was planning on bringing a coffee and blueberry muffin to him at the rehabilitation hospital, and Roy showed up at the coffee house. Life is all about showing up. With sister friend, yogini, and beautiful being Vicky Gardner. "When the flower blooms, the bees come uninvited." - Ramakrishna
He would say, “Everyone has a book in them Miss Tina and you have several.” A powerful path of yoga, meditation and deep spiritual study, including the teachings of Paramahansa Yogananda, was accompanied with several years of lunches consisting of roast chicken, salmon salad, tomato basil soup, mango ice tea and hot coffee. I connected with who I truly am and the knowing that I am far bigger than anything that happened to me. This divine friendship saved my life. Roy taught me how to see myself and the world differently. I know I’m not the only person who feels Roy was an angel walking this earth.
Marrying the man of my dreams on Anini Beach, Kauai, May 20, 2012. Mahalo to all that is sacred for you Grant Douglas Lehman, all that you do and all that you are. "Let love, human and frail, command the coming day." - Kahlil Gibran, The Earth Gods
Beautiful things start to happen when we step on the path to healing. Shitty things happen too but we take the rough with the smooth. When I began to take my power back and feel the tingles of self-worth, the man of my dreams appeared. I thank God for this brilliant, gentle, loving and noble giant every single day and sometimes twice. He became the next person I revealed the secret to. I was also groomed to believe, that if I told anyone, they would leave. I would be alone. Instead, Grant seemed to love me more. For the first time, I felt wholeness and my definition of love completely redefined. Love was elevated to a “verbness” I’ve never known.
Today, I am honored, blessed and fortunate beyond measure, to call him my gorgeous groom. He is my sun, my moon and stars for so many reasons. He is an exquisite listener and helps me to be a better listener too. The world needs better listeners. For the first time in my life, I experienced the love and support that made me feel I could achieve anything I set my mind too. I shared with him the Flash Fiction Workshop and my story idea. The next thing I knew, my husband was booking the most beautiful casita along Paseo De Peralta, where we lived and loved for the Santa Fe Writer’s Conference -- where I lifted the weight of the secret from my heart.
Carefully, I dipped my toe again in revealing the secret. I shared the story with my inner circle of dear sister friends. This was a giant "F@#K YOU!" to the vile predator who programed me for years to believe people would leave. People would judge. While I was working up the courage to share the story with my parents, breast cancer hit at the same time – a double whammy for everyone. As March 2017 came to a close, the trauma of childhood sexual abuse unearthed, breast cancer, a bi-lateral mastectomy, the grief of losing my natural breasts, even “teacher trauma" seemed to hit me all at once. My dear friend and mentor Roy was called back to the peace of his Creator, following a long struggle after a heart attack and stroke. It all met as a crescendo and the sound waves shook me. Grief and trauma tag-teamed me and threw me in a dark hole.
Rossina Schroeer-Santiago, Creator and CEO of Element of Discovery, LLC, therapist of color, sister friend, warrior queen, loving wife and mother, Army veteran and all-around badass.
My dear sister friend, fellow warrior queen and fabulous female therapist of color, Rossina Schroeer-Santiago said, “If you don’t deal with grief and trauma it will hop up at you like a jack-in-the-box.” It was ugly. For decades, it has been difficult for me to ask for help. I needed help. Roy taught me any guidance or help I needed would be revealed in meditation. All I had the energy to do was sit and meditate. I sat in meditation and asked for help. Gail Marcus appeared. It is extraordinary when angels appear along our path while our faces are in the mud. It is as if we feel them before we see them.
Following a breakthrough moment with the truly gifted, compassionate, wise and beautifully real Gail Marcus.
At the age of 50, I rolled into a therapist’s office for the first time. What the hell took me so long? Gail’s brilliance and compassion has elevated my healing to a whole new level. Our weekly work together is sacred. I am incredibly grateful to her for supporting me in writing this book.
Chillin' on the porch of Lighthouse Writer's Workshop following Non-Fiction Book Lab with Shari Caudron, memoir and nonfiction book coach and Melanie Rice, sister friend, marketing communications maven and President of Crux Strategic Communications.
I had no idea how to write a book and registered for Shari Caudron’s Non-Fiction Book Lab during Lit Fest 2017. My dear sister friend Melanie Rice and I rocked that book lab! Shari asked us to write the purpose of our books. We would place them in our offices for focus and direction. Sometimes, I allow perfectionism to paralyze me. Damn. Not this time. The purpose flowed out of my purple pen like something from a Harry Potter book. On June 20, 2017, I wrote:
“I must write this book now because it demands to be written. The book’s purpose is to uplift humanity, by lifting the veil of silence around childhood sexual abuse. Overpowering the Boogeyman will empower others to bring light to the darkness through openness and dialogue. Through this openness, comes the realization that childhood sexual abuse can only take us from our life’s purpose if we allow it to. There is a way through.”
As I was wondering, “Where did that come from?” I noticed for the first time in a long time, my shoulders drew back and my chest rose. After you experience a bi-lateral mastectomy, and throughout the reconstruction process, you become very protective of this area. You close down a bit. These words opened me up.
In "The Grotto" of Lighthouse Writer's Workshop following a workshop with Jennifer Haigh, American novelist and short story writer. The workshop was more like a spiritual experience for me. Jennifer took me to church.
While attending Jennifer Haigh’s writer’s workshop, she recommended finding “scriptures” for your book. Scriptures are books written by authors you admire. It’s writing that emboldens you when you hear that nasty little voice telling you, “You can’t.” When you are reading your scriptures, you tell the nasty little voice to sit down and shut up! You tell the nasty little voice that the apostrophe in can't is kicking the t the hell out of the way, in the becoming of “You can!” My scriptures so far: “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” by Dr. Maya Angelou. One day, “The Heart of a Woman,” by Dr. Maya Angelou, seemed to leap from my bookcase and into my arms. “Crazy Brave,” by Joy Harjo, “Your Silence Will Not Protect You,” by Audre Lorde, “The Bluest Eye,” by Toni Morrison and “The Hero’s Journey,” by Joseph Campbell. The list keeps growing in my quest to be emboldened.
Jennifer said you shouldn’t talk about your book until the first draft is complete and ready for your beloved reading circle. You know who you are. She mentioned, “You don’t want to pop the cork too soon.” I totally get that. Writers need to be careful to hold their cards closely to their chest, in protection of another “scavenger writer” swooping in on their story. For the past year, when people asked about my book I would typically say, “I’m holding my baby closely to my heart and not ready to talk about it.” That was the mantra. What I truly meant was “I’m holding Little T close.” I’ve protected her for most of my life. She is now ready to tell our story. It’s our story to tell. I write this book in her honor.
One year ago, we were living in the love shack over a long weekend in Crested Butte. I opened my laptop and looked at the purpose I had written. Sheri taught us to not be concerned with structure and to just start writing. As I started writing, the structure flowed out, if structure can flow. I’m a Pisces, so when I’m not in the flow checking things out – God knows, I need structure. Grant brought a bottle of rosé home to the love shack to celebrate "the beginning." It was called “Whispering Angel” and is now my favorite. I could use whispering angels on this journey. I'm hoping Grant will give a TED Talk -- "Husband is a Verb." I know it would benefit many.
This book is a collective and the main purpose is to open a dialogue, stripping away the two main weapons wielded by the predator – fear and shame. They are not for the victim to hold. Shame is entirely on the predator alone. Overpowering the Boogeyman will educate readers to know what to look for, to hopefully prevent it happening. It will empower caregivers to know exactly what to do if a child reveals the secret. It will include available resources for people living even in the most rural and isolated areas, like where I grew up. Many times writers create the book they wish had been there for them. There will be a chapter on how trauma lives in the body and how it can be moved out.
In June, I experienced my first "healing crisis." I speak to it now for anyone who might need to hear. When trauma is moved from the body, you will experience a healing crisis. I was fetal and felt like I was dying for about two weeks. A part of me was dying in fact. The lies that held me back were dying. The release of the toxins knocked me on my arse. My body had held onto the trauma for so many years, when it was released, my body needed to recalibrate. I was waking up. Dear survivors, the trauma is not yours to hold. Let it go and your divine blueprint begins to emerge. That's when the magic happens. The theme throughout Overpowering the Boogeyman is the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. It doesn’t condone behavior. It breathes courage through us and sets us free.
Last November, I attended a domestic violence event championed by the majestic Topazz McBride and hosted in the lovely home of the gracious Richard Lewis. I listened to the key-note speaker Rev. Tawana Davis who by divine timing, I met on the front porch. There was such beauty and power in how she shared her story as a survivor of domestic violence and breast cancer. We were diagnosed with breast cancer about a month apart. She is inspiration personified on so many levels. I thank the stars above to now call her “sisterfriend.” What is a sisterfriend you might be wondering? A sisterfriend is someone your soul has guided you to, so that you may learn from each other. I learned the power in beauty, truth, grace, strength and dignity on that November evening.
Easter Service at Red Rocks with the powerful Rev. Tawana Davis aka Tawana PhDBound Davis, sister friend, warrior queen, Co-Founder of Soul 2 Soul Sisters, Treasurer of Stomp Out Breast Cancer Campaign, loving mother and magnificent ray of light.
I was there to support Assétou Xango who regaled us with her poetry and also shared her story. Spoke her Truth. As I listened to all of the domestic violence stories told by beautiful and fierce warriors, I believed. Their courage entered me, lifted me up enough to share my story. They held space. They listened. They believed. Thank you Dr. Lisa Vallejos for being there as a therapist of color and for everything you do to uplift others. Thank you Theo Wilson for the beautiful way you played the piano and brought joy to the evening. Thank you Richard for saying, “I look forward to reading your book.” Those words were and continue to be a precious gift to me.
In March 2018, I attended the UN Conference on the Status of Women, and took a break from the book for the week. People from all over the world, supremely focused on empowering girls and women, ascended on New York City. My focus was on making meaningful connections and learning. Lo and behold! The constant and unrelenting theme was “Telling our story gives us strength. Each time we tell our story it makes us stronger and gives others the strength to tell their story. Together, we create a chorus of voices, lifting others with the courage to share their story.” A perfect example of this was the “Women, Girls and Media: Power, Storytelling and #Me Too panel sponsored by Pathways to Peace and moderated by Sheva Carr. She is the founder of HeartMath and Executive Director of Fyera Foundation.
Tina Lehman at the United Nations during the Conference on the Status of Women CSW62. Always good to be color-coordinated with your surroundings.
With Sheva Carr, Founder of Heart Math and Founder and Executive Director of the Fyera Foundation and Alice March, CEO of The Attention Factor. Honored to be invited to the reception following the Women, Girls and Media, Power, Storytelling and #Me Too panel.
Powerful women speaking to the importance of positive narratives around women vs. the over-sexualized and demoralizing crap we see in the media today. I was impressed by the strength of Sheva and all of the women on the panel. The most meaningful connection was with the brave young woman who told her story about being sexually abused by Larry Nassar. This odious, revolting monster sexually abused countless girls. Why? How? One is too many. Fear had been messing with me. It said, “Who are you to write this book?,” every freaking morning. At that moment in time, as I listened, as I believed this young woman, the voice I heard changed. The script flipped. The voice said, “You are the person to write this book and it must be written. This is an epidemic. Time to add your voice to the chorus. Nobody said giving birth to a book was easy. So, start pushing again Mama!”
Rev. Melony McGant aka Miss Mellie Rainbow, story-teller, author, compassionate communications specialist, gorgeous light, loving SISTAR and ubiquitous uplifter of humanity.
The next day, I met the magnificent Melony McGant at Mona’s Kitchen and Market, just up the street from the Church Center of the United Nations. Whew! It was going down at Mona’s! There were women from all around the world getting down to business over good food. Nourishing. Powering Up! It sent tingles through me, as did when Melony said, “You look like someone walking into her legacy!” Lord, I needed that. Thank you. Melony possesses compassion and wisdom you don’t find every day. We spoke a little about Blue Sky Thinking, her first breaths, empowering girls and women, innovative education models and being a voice for the voiceless as a writer. Overpowering the Boogeyman IS part of my legacy and I SO wanted to talk with Melony about how it was unfolding. Little T was afraid. I’m accustomed to protecting her so followed her lead, gently placed her back in her comfort zone, and didn’t speak to the book. Boudica was ready to tell Melony all about “Overpowering the Boogeyman.” Boudica was ready to let her know she was going to take a flamethrower to the patriarchy that serves as a catalyst for this sickness. You might be asking, “Who the hell is Boudica?”
Boudica, Ancient Celtic Warrior Queen Badass
She is my alter ego and emerged full force through breast cancer. I discovered Boudica the first time I was battling cancer, recovering from a chemotherapy treatment, in a library in Oxford. She was the Warrior Queen of the British Celtic Iceni tribe who led a resistance against an occupying force that sought to crush a vibrant, complex civilization and replace it with the laws, taxes and slavery of the Roman Empire. Boudica was a badass who knew how to create community. She led her warriors in the near annihilation of the Ninth Legion of the Roman Army and burned Colchester, London and St. Albans, three major Roman towns at the time, to the ground. Her name literally means “She Who Brings Victory.” When I see, feel, hear, smell oppression, the Boudica in me rises up. Boudica was on high alert in NYC. It was during CSW62, I knew I would be collaborating with organizations working to end childhood sexual abuse and empowering survivors to thrive. I will create what is missing…what is needed.
Making meaningful heart connections at CSW62 with Sister Fa, Hip-Hop Queen, Senagalese Rapper, Anti-Female Genital Mutilation Activist and one of the courageous stars of Little Stones. See this film. Viewing in my back garden in September!
My legacy. Thank you Sophia Kruz for creating the film Little Stones and inspiring me to create a film around Overpowering the Boogeyman. Seeing this incredible film is one of my favorite parts of being at CSW62. Thank you Sister Fa, one of the courageous stars of Little Stones, who helped me see another part of my legacy through Blue Sky Thinking -- the education of boys and men during this vile age of toxic masculinity propagated by the Predator in Chief.
Two weeks later in April, at the Conference of World Affairs 2018, I found myself at “The Power Behind #MeToo, What Did We Learn? What Do We Do Now?” The UMC Center Ballroom, the largest room of the conference, was packed. People were standing in the back of the ballroom and along the sides where more people were seated in chairs. Maggie Duncan Simbeye who had just spoken during “The Girl Effect” was part of the powerful panel. She is the only female owner of a safari company in Tanzania (the we know of) and the fearless leader of DARE Women’s Foundation. I am fortunate to call her “dada,” Swaheli for sister.
Making more meaningful heart connections at The Conference of World Affairs with Maggie Duncan Simbeye, Executive Director and Founder of Dare Women's Foundation, fierce, fabulous, beautiful light empowering girls and women in Tanzania. Love my dada! See you in Tanzania March 2019.
Eva Hadberg Fisher, author of “How to Be Loved: A Memoir of Lifesaving Friendship,” and Architect Whisperer told her story of when a trusted doctor sexually abused her. She spoke to Junot Diaz’s story recently published in the New York Times, "The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma." As I listened to Eva, words from Dr. Brené Brown’s book, “Gifts of Imperfection” presented themselves. “Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it – it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” These words seem to download through me and then lift me out of my seat as the moderator, Ginny Corsi asked the audience, “What are you doing to empower girls and women in the name of “what do we do now?” I loved how she opened up the conversation to include the audience.
The next thing I know, I am standing with a mic in my hand addressing the ballroom with these words, “I am a two-time survivor of cancer, childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse who is tired of playing small. My Granny was a single mother who married a monster that began sexually abusing me when I was five years old. I am writing a book called Overpowering the Boogeyman to end childhood sexual abuse and help survivors thrive.
I’ve started my own business, Blue Sky Thinking, dedicated to empowering girls and women, innovative education models and being a voice for the voiceless through speaking and writing. Blue Sky Thinking is connected with the UN Sustainable Goals, SDG 4 Quality Education, SDG 5 Gender Equality and SDG 17 Partnerships for the Goals because I can’t do this on my own. As women, we need to stop tearing each other down, and transform that energy into lifting each other up. Let's stop criticizing each other. Let's start encouraging each other. Thank you!”
Visiting with Henry Shelton, President of Assure Coaching and Business Academy, dear friend, mentor, big brother of my dreams, peaceful warrior, beautiful, inspiring and wise soul. Great gathering at Cosmic Cafe in Dallas, Texas during Roy's Life Celebration Weekend.
As I started to speak, I had a vision of passing out, bashing my head on a chair and lying on the ground with a huge gash on my forehead. I looked to the back of the room to see my dear sisterfriend Elizabeth Treister, pumping her supportive fist in the air. THAT pulled me though. I’ve always had a voice, just not my own. It has always been a voice I thought someone else wanted to hear. This was real. It was authentic. It was mine, and I felt larger than the room. The courageous women sharing their stories on the panel, gave me the courage to share mine. The number of supportive men in the ballroom lifted me. The power of the chorus of voices waking everyone up...lifted me. Thank you Henry Shelton, my dear friend and the big brother of my dreams. Thank you for your guidance in materializing Blue Sky Thinking from my heart and onto paper. Thank you for your passion to help others create a heart-centered business. I am grateful for our collaboration over the phone, linking Denver and Dallas, every Tuesday morning at 10 am MT. Thank you for helping me "see" and "believe" that this book was possible and needed to be born.
In 1997, Tarana Burke was listening to a 13-year old girl who had been sexually abused. At the time, the resources were not available to help her, and she dedicated her time to finding those resources. That conversation sparked the Me Too Movement. Ten years later, Ms. Burke created Just B Inc., a non-profit organization helping victims who had been sexually abused. The actress Alyssa Milano tweeted #metoo and now the movement is bigger than both of them. Back to Boudica: I have always been a fierce advocate for children even before she fully emerged. Adding my voice to the chorus, strengthening the chorus around childhood sexual abuse so that we bring this epidemic out of the darkness...is my intention. I will acknowledge these are tough conversations to hold but they must be held. The power of the predator is found in secrecy, fear and shame. They are master manipulators who feed on silence. This book’s intention is to take those weapons away. Take away the silence. Take away the predators. In the name of the 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys sexually abused -- predators, I am coming for you.
So many women feel they are not enough. I’ve suffered with “Iamnotenoughitis” for most of my life. I thought I had taken a flamethrower to that craziness after breast cancer. But it started to creep back in. Wait. Fact is, I did take a flamethrower to it. I am enough. Sometimes, it creeps back in. That is when I reach for my trusty flamethrower and "TOAST IT!" Here's the dealio. I haven’t written a book before. I've never created a heart-centered business based on my love for empowering girls and women, innovative education models and writing. That "fear of the unknown thing" can be scary. But, as I said earlier, "the unknown can actually be something quite wonderful." It's down to how we navigate the unchartered waters and the time we dedicate to rest and rejuvenation.
There was a time in May, "I Was Feelin' Kinda Seasick" (please sing to the tune of "A Whiter Shade of Pale," by Procol Harum.) Giving birth to Blue Sky Thinking and a book, caring for both babies along the way. What will they be when they grow up? Whew! Where is the shoreline? I was lost in the feeling of "What in the Hell Am I Doing?" It was as if my very soul guided me to An Evening with Azure Antoinette. As I took my seat and began to enjoy this magical evening, I could feel my soul say, "Hey Girl Hey! I know you are a visual learner. This is how it is done! Stop doubting yourself. Let's do this." Azure Antoinette was given a map that didn't suit her, and she charted her own course. She has been called "the Maya Angelou of the Millennial generation." She is a commissioned poet, entrepreneur, and millennial and arts education advocate. Azure is also founder and CEO of Teller Creative Group.
Uplifted beyond belief by Azure Antoinette. Making meaningful heart connections through our love for the pursuit of justice and wanderlust. Check out her performance of "Algorithm."dedicated to Dr. Maya Angelou of She sees "us," "humanity." I miss the sound of voice too...calling over texting.
Thank you Azure for your light, grace, beauty, brilliance and power. Thank you for the heart connection through the pursuit of justice and wanderlust. Thank you for the delicious belly laughs. Thank you for inspiring me. In your most recent compilation of poetry "WHYLD: A Write of Passage, you wrote within the forward, "Whatever you want from this, I pray you receive it." I was seeking beauty and truth, as I do in my daily pursuits, and found them within the pages. Thank you. The next day, I opened a book to a quote by Thoreau, “God doesn’t do his work through those who are not courageous.” A signpost from Thoreau. I'll take that and run with it.
When Dr. Maya Angelou was eight years old, she was raped by her mother's boyfriend. Little Marguerite Johnson named the man who raped her and he was murdered. She thought her voice killed him and was mute for the next five years. Dr. Angelou described Mrs. Bertha Flowers as "the aristocrat of Black Stamps." She was a beloved teacher who shared life lessons over tea cookies and lemonade. She shared her concerns about young Marguerite not speaking in class. She would only speak to her brother Bailey. Mrs. Flowers shared with young Marguerite the importance in the power of voice and "words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes a human voice to infuse them with the shades of deeper meaning." Mrs. Flowers would give her books, including poetry and ask her to read.
Little Marguerite would read quietly under the porch at first...not trusting her voice. I started "Poetry on the Porch" in honor of young Marguerite Johnson and the precious relationship she had with Mrs. Flowers. Today, Poetry on the Porch is me reading my favorite poems and soon, poems I've written, celebrating the beauty of poetry and the power of voice with friends on Facebook. These are disturbing times and poetry is highly necessary. Poetry on the Porch is in honor of every little girl, the importance of sharing their voice, their light and their potential to light the world. I can't imagine a world without Dr. Maya Angelou. Nor can I imagine a world without one of my favorite teachers.
Happy Birthday Alexis and Soulfully Ablaze and Live Ablaze book party launch!
Relaunching The T Tales and writing this blog post has been incredibly healing for me. I thank you for sharing your time with me. Reflecting on all of the positive signs along this journey has given me breathing space and a gentle nudge forward. Thank you Alexis Newton for inviting me to your birthday party, in celebration of the day you graced the planet with your presence. By divine timing, your birthday party took place during the book launch of "Soulfully Ablaze: A 40-Day Journey to Light Up Your Life (And the World)" and "Live Ablaze and Light Up the World" by Sarah Davison-Tracy. These books are trusty companions for me during the unfolding of my next chapter. Available on Amazon!
Sarah Davison-Tracy, Founder of Seeds of Exchange, author, speaker and devoted human rights advocate.
Thank you Alexis Newton, phenomenal philanthropist and social activist, UNA Denver VP, Denver for CEDAW Co-Chair, empowerment of women and girls advocate and inspiring sister friend for inviting me to the Zonta Club of Denver screening of Little Stones. Seeing Little Stones, meeting and learning from film director, Sophia Cruz in NYC and Denver are highlights of 2018 for me.
Sarah spoke of the importance of "kula," the Sanskrit word for community. As a 3rd and 5th grade teacher, I would weave my love of African culture and "ubuntu" into our learning community. Ubuntu is a Nguni Bantu term meaning humanity. My humanity is bound by yours. I am because you are. Liberian peace activist Leymah Gbowee defined ubuntu as "I am what I am because of who we all are." Kula is sacred because it is a group of people coming together with a shared sense of purpose for the greater good. I had a moment I felt like I was transported back by time machine to when I was listening to Sandra Cisneros and the feeling that she was speaking directly to me. I was listening to Sarah when she was speaking lovingly about her kula and then she said, “you can’t do this by yourself.” OK. Boom. Message received. Her husband was part of the book launch, supported her through her journey and said, “You might be afraid to tell your story but you must do it because it gives others the courage to do so.” That's when the tears welled up in my eyes. OK. Got it! This has been the wave throughout this journey. Little signposts lifting me and moving me forward. Me...working on the surrendering piece.
This book is coming through me and my work is surrendering to it. It's far bigger than I am. As I drove home, both books were sitting on my passenger seat. I couldn't wait to get them home and place them on my bedside table. I would wait until the morning when my mind was fresh and drive in. But, I couldn't wait. So, I opened to a page about Christina Noble. Another beautiful sign. Here we come full circle! When G and I returned from the Santa Fe Writer's Conference, I wanted to start writing the book but didn't know how. I wanted to ride the encouragement but sat in a state of "No way Jose!" We sat down, fed our Netflix addiction and watched the film, "Noble." After watching this film I thought, "OK, I'll have a go." Please watch this film about this amazing woman's life!
Christina Noble was born into the slums of Dublin. Her impoverished beginnings fueled her passion for children's rights for which she has dedicated her life. She was heartbroken about what was happening to the children of Vietnam during and following the war. They suffered from poverty and sexual abuse that she was all too familiar with. While transforming her own life, she has transformed the lives of 700,000 children and counting throughout Vietnam and Mongolia. She is known as "Mama Tina." She is my absolute "shero." And yes, I do assign gender here because she is fierce, resourceful, loving and tenacious like so many women.
The darkness throughout the world seems great. As love is the most powerful force in the Universe, light is more powerful than darkness. Childhood sexual abuse is a silent epidemic. It is only a silent and hidden epidemic because we allow it to be. It's sickening and unimaginable. I know. But, we need to stop being fearful of talking about the difficult things. In the openness, in the realness, lies the solution. We also have an epidemic in people feeling they aren't enough. I see the connection. I know the connection so well. I want to support others in knowing they are enough. Oprah Winfrey was raped at the age of nine and sexually abused from the ages of 10-14. When asked the most important lesson Dr. Angelou taught her, she said, "She taught me I am enough." To me, that is the most powerful lesson one can learn. Once we believe that, we can do anything.
"The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." - Rumi
What has happened to me doesn't define me. How I walk through this world defines who I am. Dear survivors, how we walk through this world defines who we are. How we bring each other along, how we bring each other through, defines who we are. I am always listening and observing. I think of all the problems beset on our world and the connection with the silent epidemic of childhood sexual abuse and people feeling they are not enough. I think of all of the people silenced, not knowing the power of their own voice. I will not accept it any longer. Education is the key to so many of our problems. Overpowering the Boogeyman will provide the education to give voice, to have the difficult conversations, to take away the silence, that will in turn take away the predators.
As taught by Sandra Cisneros, I am writing from my own pain to lift the collective voice. Those days suffering from "Iamnotenoughitis" are gone. Rolling around like a BB in a Boxcar from one thing to the next, "doing" too much simply to prove my self-worth, my value -- I've burned that up with my flamethrower. I am now discerning AF. I feel into decisions. I am quiet enough to hear my soul speak. I listen. Self-care and birthing this baby into our world are priority. I know I have the authority to write this book. That is a miracle. Sarah Davison-Tracy is so right. I need my kula. I'm grateful to have this opportunity to thank everyone who has blessed this journey so far. Thank you all for being part of the journey with me. In the words of the great Dr. Maya Angelou, “Wouldn't take nothing for my journey now."