Dear Universe — The T Tales

The morning sun of autumn shone through the window and onto my sleeping husband’s face. His face looked rested, his mind at peace, without a care in the world. Therein lies the beauty of sleep. As I wiped the sleep from my face, I suppressed the desire to drop an “F bomb.” We were attending a silent meditation retreat and dropping an F bomb didn’t seem very spiritual. It lacked the spiritual grounding I was hoping to achieve that weekend. I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The diagnosis sent us on roller coaster ride. This roller coaster ride involved difficult decisions we would need to make. We needed to feel grounded. The timing of the silent meditation retreat was perfect.

         Silence began following dinner. My husband and I would exchange notes in a notebook when we had something of importance to say. Thoughts and questions began to leap frog each other through my mind – big thoughts and big questions. I had questions that required answers from a higher power, and I had something to say. I opened the notebook and decided I would write a letter to The Universe.

Dear Universe,
         As you know, I’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m grateful it was discovered at an early stage. During this time, I’m finding comfort in the words “early detection, early cure.” I’m sure you are also aware the radiotherapy, during my experience with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma when I was 21, could be the cause of the breast cancer today. Many times when something of this magnitude occurs, we go to a place believing we are being punished for some reason. I went there a few times but dismissed it. In my heart, I know you are not a malicious God. You are a God of love.

         With love in mind, I see being diagnosed twice with cancer a bizarre blessing. I held a celebratory picnic in my back garden, the day I received the “all clear,” following my experience with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Everything seemed to be in Technicolor. As I enjoyed my cucumber sandwich and a glass of Pimm’s, in true British-style, I contemplated the dash between the year we are born and the year we transition to the next realm. Yes, I’ve experienced cancer in the UK and the US. Not many people get that opportunity. The year we are born and the year we transition to the next realm are “unknowns.” The only “known” element in the equation is how fully we live the dash. I have been rocking the dash for the past 28 years.

         As we experience the University of Life, each one of us will be presented a set of lesson plans. I’m grateful to have learned the lesson to drink life in at every turn. Every opportunity presented to do something that I wanted to do…I’ve done. I will continue to follow this track, which has served me well. Recently, I followed the call to become an educator. This is what I felt you intended me to be. However, many things within the current antiquated education system, caused me to sacrifice my integrity and my health as a classroom teacher. Another lesson plan presented. Never sacrifice your integrity or health. Yet, making the decision to leave the classroom was difficult. I felt the need to tie myself to the whipping post. The need to transform education for the better for students and teachers still nibbled away at me. Imagine my surprise, when I am diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after determining the name for the company poised to achieve this.

         Based on everything I’ve experienced in my 50 years on this earth, it is clear to me I’m on the PhD track. It is also clear the most recent lesson plan is all about self-acceptance and surrender. In order to keep rocking the dash, in order to bypass the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop, I chose to undergo a bi-lateral mastectomy. I’ve internalized another lesson plan near and dear to my heart and that is – “let go of what is no longer serving you.” One skilled surgeon removed the breasts creating problems and another skilled surgeon is creating new, far more peaceful breasts.

         I looked forward to the first day I could shower following surgery. It was going to be glorious. At the same time, I prepared myself for scars and tears. What I received was nothing like what I prepared for. As I stood in front of the mirror, a sense of peace fell over me. I didn’t just see the beginning phase of new breasts and scars. What I saw was a warrior spirit powering through this experience with strength and grace. As I stood in front of the mirror, naked as the day I was born and “flawed,” I have never loved myself more fully. I’ve learned the power in self-acceptance and how expansive the heart is. The love I receive from my husband, Grant, and the love I am honored to give him are limitless. Self-love enhances the love shared within a partnership. My heart is incredibly grateful to celebrate my 50th birthday on the beautiful island of Kauai, as a cancer-free and thriving breast cancer survivor. I have never felt so "alive."

         Many of us carry experiences from childhood that cause us to feel we aren’t enough. We also carry experiences from childhood that were out of our control. As adults, we may want to try to control everything. We also require answers to life’s mysteries. That’s part of the need for control. I am reminded of the words of one of my favorite poets, Rainer Maria Rilke. This wise and beautiful man encourages us “not” to search for the answers because we would not be able to “live” them. He emboldens us through his heartfelt words to “live the questions now and live our way into the answers.” Dear Universe, my intention is to live vibrantly and follow Rilke’s advice. I accept you may have grander plans for me. I surrender. Lead the way.